I could not help being a rebel and an outlier. It was a manufacturing defect from birth or a blessing, based on how one sees it. But, I wanted to be liked, supported and accepted too, like everyone else. It took an awful lot of hard, hard, hard lessons from the universe to din it into my head that you can only choose one.

The desire for being included, accepted, appreciated and loved created such deep wounds, forcing one starved from childhood of basic inclusion, consideration or support from those who most people receive from to make such poor choices at partners, support systems. To never really know one's value. Strange as it seems, one could be a hustler, a high achiever, a perfectionalist, a leader, a giver, a healer, a huge success and still juggle such deep and sharp contrasts in lived realities between pouring and receiving. Of support or abandonment. Of being confident of being held or dropped. The sharper the contrast, the higher the pain.

Self care is coming full circle. To fully see oneself with the beautiful, powerful gifts of being that one is blessed with, to be deeply compassionate of the starving of the most basic things one should have received but didn't, to be rightful and protectively angry for the self about poor treatment by others in the past, present or future, to draw clear boundaries that are real, kind but clear. To celebrate the tremendous and resilient journey of the spirit to have stayed dignified and pure amidst such storms.

It takes a lot to reach a point of ease, laughter, happiness and dignity. And choices. Now, one chooses who deserves to sit at the table alongside, how much, and who no longer deserves inclusion because they haven't earned it. And, to reach that state without bitterness, anger, pettiness towards others but deep love for the self is to have grown, survived and finally thriving in abundance of being oneself.

To reach that state is to deeply love and cherish being oneself. As the full cake, multi-layered and with icing. Anyone and anything else is merely a cherry at the top.

Does reaching this beautiful point mean you pour into life differently ? Yes.

You first pour yourself a glass. Then, pour into others, of what remains. Generously. Not pour into everyone and finding your glass empty, with no one caring whether your glass is filled or not, or even not checking if you are at your own table. You now surround yourself with people who pour for themselves and you. Who laugh and joke and ensure that everyone has a place, a glass and pour equally.

Life is so beautiful. As a butterfly. To come home to being yourself. To put yourself at the centre of your life circle. To reclaim and accept the sacredness of being. To stand tall as oneself without apology, indifferent to how the world sees it. And, to understand that it was never a manufacturing defect. You were just a natural. An original. And, carrying yourself as one ... Is quite a journey and the biggest act of defiance, resilience and success you can ever claim.

- SS